Lexpo Old Boys

 "Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.

 The Deal

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first  to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion..  Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we  agreed."...
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another  romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the  afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then  the next day it starts all over again"...........................PTO
 
.
.
 
 
"Oh, Bob, are you in Heaven?"

"No...I'm a rabbit in Lincolnshire.

  > I've just arrived at one of those Swiss suicide clinics.


> > Cost me 44,000 Sw Francs.

> > 

> > Do you know what the bastards have given me for 
> breakfast this morning?

> > 

> > F***ing "Cheerios". 

 There's a lot of e-jokes going around and I know some of you don't like to receive them at your e-addresses, too busy or possible viruses, so Lexpo has put some of the best poignant ones together below for all our enjoyment.



Secrets Of Great Sex
 
The Italian man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love,
and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!"
 
The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 10 minutes!"
 
The Englishman said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with whipped cream and she screamed for over six hours!"
 
The other two were stunned.
The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"
 
The Englishman said, ... "I wiped my hands on the curtains"
 Bob M

The way we do it in Australia!!!!!!!! Biffo perhaps

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of VB beer cheap at the local supermarket.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of bevvy, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

I thought for a few seconds and asked,

"What kind of beer 'ya got?"











Hello All 17/12/13
 
Having just returned from a wonderful 11 days river cruise on River Douro, Portugal, we are back safely yesterday and anticipating the arrival of the Festive Christmas...guess we have to go on a crash diet
between now and Christmas!
 
To cheer up your spirit, here is a `blonde’ joke for a laugh.
 
Chung
 
  
A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE ..
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared,
'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile,
'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming
rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration . . ...
"I DON’T BELIEVE IT!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
 


Irish Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 

I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ... 
And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds. 


When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs! 

That's amazing! the doctor said, Did you follow my instructions?

The Irishman nodded...

I'll tell you though, be all the saints, I taught I were going to drop dead on that third day.
 
 
You mean from the hunger? asked the doctor. 
 
No, from the bloody skipping!

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved.
" Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated"; or even "A
Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome"; to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish
Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate"; and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be all right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is
cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final
escalation level.

Regards,

John Cleese, British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting
aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
 


A Chinese Ming Vase is up for auction. The bidding opens at a half-million Euro. Bidding is brisk and each bidder is clearly identified as each raises the bid by 100,000 Euro. (The exchange rate at auction time was 1 Euro = $1.43.) Within seconds, the bidding stalls at one million Euros, and the gasp from the crowd identifies the excitement that prevails in the room. The successful bidder is the last one who bid one million, and the auctioneer counts down the bid, "Going once, going twice, and sold to the gentleman sitting in front of me for one million Euros."  Now, you are going to have to see the video for yourself. The auctioneer is exuberant. The pace is fast. This is how an auction should be run. Note the excitement on the auctioneer's face after the final bid.

 

 

 

 I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century dad, ' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

 
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.

With Age, Wisdom Comes !!!
 

An old Woman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely
Parkinson's - Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle..."






IT DESERVES A CHUCKLE !


On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales .
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch,
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'


The girl leaned over and said,









Burrr … gurrr … king'


An  apparent drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh Amarillo Theatre. When the usher came by and noticed him, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, Sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy just groaned but didn't even budge.

The usher became more impatient and insistent: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but without success. He just laid there in a dazed stupor.

Finally they had enough and summoned the police.

A Texas Ranger arrived, surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "Alright buddy what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where y'all from, Sam?"asked the ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, a grim expression and without moving a muscle, Sam said >>>>>>>


 "The Balcony."
 


 

 
 
 


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Voted the Best Joke (or was it a joke!) of the Year 2010, 2011 & 2012:-

I was asked recently how Lexpo/Lobs will end. 

In the very very end, sadly all Warwick House Engineers and Planners pass away after some 20 to 40 years in retirement with CPI annual increases and they all went to hell for their past sins.  Jim for the planners was not happy with this and went to see the Devil saying surely  the  Planners should not be here in hell, we're TOs after all and we started Lexpo FC winning the CATFL league and cup, Lexpo Sports & Social Club and the Lexpo Old Boys Golf, how can we get out of here? Well the Devil said there is only one  way maybe, you can all go in the room there and make love to some of the ugliest and dim-witted women down here, once they're satisfied and your're all finished  come to see me. 

Promptly Jim took all the planners into the room and the women were bloody ugly but Jim told the Planners to just get on with it. They agreed and for once they didn't ask for any overtime, apart from  Roy  who was enjoying it and taking photos.  Having finished and gone back to the Devil, the Planners  were shown the exit down a long corridor. Passing one of the doors they looked in  only to see all the old Warwick House engineers shagging all these gorgeous naked women and for once they had not asked for any unplanned work. Jim rushed back to the Devil asking how comes the engineers get all the best pretty women.  The Devil said remember there are  some smart and beautiful  women down here to, who also want to get out of hell…..

                         

  A group of some 30 plus 40 year olds called the Lexpo Planning Boys discuss and reconnoitred where they should meet for their 26th Planners Christmas Dinner. (Its OK Chopper has the whip! )

Finally after much talk by Jim and table banging by Alan, it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen
restaurant in Soho because they know the area around Warwick Hse and the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts... ( Later they all went to Jack's Club after the excellent meal although Frank did sleep throughout the show)

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the now Lexpo Old Boys discusses once again where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen in Soho where they all once worked,  because the food there is
very good, has a good wine selection and draft beer is cheap.

10 years later, at 60 years of age, all now retired, the Old Boys discusses a reunion dinner, now called Lobs Reunion Lunch and once again where they should meet.  Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen in Soho because they can use their free travel passes plus they can eat there in peace and quiet and they can talk about the old planning days and work mates, Lexpo Football, PBX Christmas Party, the bar stag/hen nights, the weekend trips, the 10p disco, the office games & competitions and Lobs Golf. In addition they can can get home before it gets too dark as some now live in the countryside. They can also get there card stamped now for a free meal after 5 visits. 

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the Lobs discusses once again where they should meet. Chung and Roy suggested the Greek at the4lanterns because they like it there. But finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because they can just remember how to get there and the restaurant is
wheel chair accessible plus they even have an lift and a senior discount or 3 meals for the price of 2.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the Lobs discusses where they should meet.  Finally it is agreed
that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen it was felt that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

Finally 10 years later at 90 years of age, after 25 years of CPI inflation increases, the Lobs, having lost £1000s in their pensions, decided they could not afford to eat out in the West End. 

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